That felt like the longest 12 hour drive ever. It was as if I drove every highway in the US to and fro, without any concrete destination in sight, just a million and two thoughts running nakedly wild.
I’m physically and emotionally drained. I had much to say, words that never came to fruition.
So once again, I did what I had to do. I seriously must sound like a broken record. Its been three years, over 1095+ days but amazingly it feels as if no time has passed whatsoever — and I feel exactly as I did that July 2008. But this time, the only thing different was that as much as I wanted to, I kept my distance in every way possible. It was the “don’t look, head down, keep your knees from shaking and shut your mouth kinda-distance”. As we settled at 934, momma cornered me. She closed the door and instructed/threatened me not to speak a word. I wasn’t allowed to make small talk, to clarify or even catch up at life. Even if I did,how could i? When all eyes were glued on me. It was if my every movement was being studied like a lab rat. And it was, I could feel her eyes glaring at me, even when my back was turned. Unlike the rebel I once was,…. this time I actually made good to my word. My knees shook but I remained still like water in a jar. When every fiber of my being wanted to look up and lock eyes, my head turned the other way. I did it for him. I did it for everyone else involved. Peace-maker or not, Right or wrong, I did what I had to do. “Do what you think is right in your heart. You’ll be criticized anyway. – Eleanor Roosevelt”
Three years have passed and I’m still making sacrifices for others; I moved back from my beloved New York City, I gave up everything I worked for in NY in an attempt to strategically profess my deep feelings. We all know how that went. I even gave 2 years to living at home with momma to help change her mind(we all know how that went too), and I stalled my “world traveling tour” to get a job to please them. One thing I did do for myself though, is move to Virginia to get away — hands down, probably one of the better decisions I’ve made.
I still am torn in each way possible. So many questions gone unanswered, so many dreams unrealized and most importantly, so many twisted truths that have not been untangled. Sometimes I wonder if I’ve been lied to, if previous statements are just now expired facets of the memory…. or are they real as ever. Does the fire still burn brightly?
We once assured one another we’d be better. But will we ever be better?
I think not.
hehe
