1 corinthians 10:13

letting go and letting God.

i always keep forgetting people read this thing. from the outside listening in, i must sound like some sort of nut.. perhaps a peanut! or an almond will suffice.

moms going to florida for vacay tomorrow morning 9AM, which you betcha im looking forward to. this will mean that ill have the whole house to myself (somewhat) for an entire week. i'll have to take care of dad by having the rice cooked at all times, make sure he has meals other than hot dogs and ice cream, and organize things so that he can find what supplies he needs everyday. but aside from that, ill be queen of 912! Hooray! ill get to prance around in whatever i want, ignore any joy luck club house calls (with good reason!), and blast my ghetto playlist while singing and/or screeching on the top of my lungs to my hearts content. though having mom travel always stirs up a little emotion... esp atl. what will they talk about? how has time faired? is it really over? i really shouldn't ask those questions. the only thing i can do is pray. which reminds me that i need to go up to queens and take care of some business in the near future -- i dearly miss new york and grandmother. maybe an entry on that some other time.

anh minh's first home is finally going into closing tomorrow too. sooo happy about that. for them, so that their family can finally have a piece of the american dream, and for me not having to run around dealing with realtors, title companies, pest control and suntrust anymore. the past 6 months have been a complete whirlwind. although.. im not sure how pleasant their first few months are going to be. theres talk that huy's family may join and move in as well... which may not be dandy or ideal at this point. how can all those people fit into one house? lets hope the paperwork unfolds quickly.

life has been grand lately. since ive returned to this nest, ive been able to reconnect with the sisters and we've been having a Blast (with a capital B).. in addition to everyone else i've lost touch with over the years. feels like ive been everywhere doing everything under the sun. its exciting that i've opened the door for new relationships and have started to meet new people - its absolutely wonderful. i can't even describe the adventure and butterflies. God, the butterflies!

but on the flip side, im really stressed out like no other. i think the butterflies are trapped in my belly. haha. theres so much responsibility and accountability to own up to. things on the homefront aren't really looking up. i just don't know what to do to help sometimes. and then, i find myself constantly probing at reason and plus, those dormant thoughts have decided to break loose and run rampant all the sudden! looking back, i have never really felt this way before... and i guess to be completely honest, im just scared. real scared *sigh*

It is a given that I cannot resist the temptation to blog here. For those that know me all too well, you knew an entry was on the horizon.

Two thousand eight has been the year of my life... thus far. Tumultuous to say the least. I have never had so much "stuff" added to my cookie mix, ever. My favorite macadEmias have been thrown into the gooeyness along with the oh so hated raisin. Grape, I have loved you.. why have you forsaken me?!

So what have I come to rationalize? I've come to an understanding that patience is a virtue. I am getting better at the way I perceive others. I've been allowed to discern the things in my life that I can control versus toying and going crazy over life circumstances beyond my super woman doing. Ultimately, I am at one with my soul. To know that it is not I that holds the pen in hand brings me utter peace. >Angels we have heard on high<

Life experience has come prepackaged with an assortment of emotion... longingness, bliss, heartache, omg-moments, laugh til I cry, reunions, anxiousity, wonderment. you name it, with every fiber of my being, I've felt it.

Being the perfectionist that I am, I've always had a difficult time with "regrets". I am a "shoulda-coulda-woulda-you-idiot" type of gal. But the previous year has taught me that if anything, I've got to deal and overcome those "if only this.. if only that". My future will depend on it.

Perhaps 2009 is the one in which will have the power to break this heart of stone.. perhaps I will fall dangerously in love, perhaps it shall be another year of waiting, or perhaps it shall be the year I die (yes how morbid

Whatever happens, bring it ON! I'm ready. As ever. Let's get this lifetime started ASAP.

a watched kettle never boils. and so I'm not watching... starting NOW!

Jesus, how long can I keep this up...

this is torture, surely.

I am so jittery tonight. What gives? I've only had a heaping cup of grapefruit juice and two mini snickers bars.

I'm such a rat packer. I keep way too much junk for sentimental purposes and for torture-nancy-for-her-mistakes purposes as well. I was listening to a voice message today and noticed that my saved vm's are not quite how I saved them. Apparently my #1 vm somehow got deleted and the #2 has now claimed vip spot. funny how that in life, we don't have enough arms to keep everything from falling.. and instead, they slip and are left behind, one by one. We end up carrying items we don't even recall picking up.

and such is life.

official ultimate smackdown of the year.... T - 6 days. Lord Jesus...

in regard to the upcoming election...

we should just pick out of a hat.

old school slow jams that make me cheese:

toni braxton: you mean the world to me
rkelly: downlow
tevin campbell: can we talk
alicia keys: diary

The things I'll never say..

I'm just really frustrated. Why do people do the things they do? Can't they foresee the obvious consequences? It is crystal clear my blind buddies. Does it even cross their minds that impulsive actions (or even poorly plotted ones) can lead to potentially irreversible circumstances? Only one path that the fork in the road offers leads to no where... and there is no turning back. Why be foolish take that chance to travel the easy road to nowhere? Yeah the road to gold is difficult and death defying, but its also worth every sweat and tear. Especially since its a lifetime we're talking about.

I hardly ever tell anyone what to do.. ever. I'm passive that way because I feel that its not my place. But for heavens sake, why can't people be logical, rational.. responsible? When it comes to myself, I do know that when it comes to getting the things I want, I'm a smart cookie. An incredibly clever cookie if I might say so myself. But even with all the effort in the world on my part, the things I want are simply unattainable when everything else is out of place due to the repercussions of the actions of others. On the contrary, it actually is a game.. but I can't come close to winning if theres cars constantly jabbing at my side. And believe it or not.. some dents are beyond cosmetic. With each collision, the engine gets damaged down to a faint heartbeat that will surely inch closer to total-ism. We lose, we fail. .... EPIC FAIL.

I can't give people the answers (although I know the answers.. I know what it takes to get an A.. heck even an A+)... but guess what? I'm not the one holding the pen... I'm not going to be the one who helps you harvest a brain, up a conscious, re-pump a heart. For once in your life, think straight.